Taking Back Elaine

I’m not supposed to be crying anymore. This job was supposed to fix that. Do I think I made the right decision leaving my old job? Yes. Without a question.

But I’m just so overwhelmed and I feel like I’m not doing anything right. Every time I feel like in gaining some traction, I slip and face slam. I’m being compared to someone no had a years experience before becoming a recruiter so is it really fair to compare us? I don’t think so.

The things in expected to do, numbers I’m expected to hit and the mix of candidates I’m expected to bring in just blows my mind. I can only bring in so many people. At some point there aren’t any new ones. And at some point they have to go after these higher level jobs, otherwise I can only convince so many people to come in.

Honestly, I’m scared they’re going To give up on me and let me go. I really thought this was where I’m supposed to be. But I hate this feeling right now. I just want to feel secure.

I’m scared.

These are NOT my favorite things

Today’s WOD

2x400m with 2 minute recoveries

then

50 Burpees
100 Sit-Ups

Time: 22:10

It should actually be 2x350m runs because I had to cut each run short.  My knee has been bothering me for awhile now and even during my massage, the guy said it felt like fluid in my knee.  So, now I ice.

I’m pretty sure food prep time is my most favorite time of the week…especially when I have the apartment to myself.

I blast my music, dance around, shake my bum and make food.  What’s not to love???

Friday:

7 Minutes to work up to 3rm OH Squat - worked up to 83#..my legs could handle more but wrists are just not strong and I only got this because I taped my wrists. AND this was a PR - it was previously 45# (un-taped wrists).

Rest 2 minutes

30x burpee C2B (7 Minute time cap) - I got 15

Saturday:

For reps:

Partner workout 

• 8 minutes - for total reps
• 4 power cleans (63#)
• 4 wall balls 
• But when you complete that, it’s 8 of each then 16 and so on.

We got through 20’s and 8 power cleans

Rest 3 minutes

• 12 minutes - for rounds
• 1 partner runs 200m while the other partner does 12 kb swings.
• switch

Total score - 104 reps, 11 rounds

Yeah, I earned my massage today.  Can’t wait!

Also - anyone know wrist strengthening exercises?

• I feel like my 30th birthday is going to be crap
• I wasn’t going to do anything, then I felt like I HAD to because it’s my 30th and it’s all falling apart and now I feel worse
• I gave up and cancelled my birthday party because too many people were going out of town/couldn’t make it.
• I tried to do a dinner after a WOD with my crossfit friends but I think that’s going to end up being a bust
• I was at least excited about my cake - except I tried to order it for next weekend and they’re already booked. And it’s not even a specialty cake…just a regular cake they normally make.
• I will be alone on my birthday. Which honestly wouldn’t have bothered me (I don’t think) until I started making plans and thinking I was going to have this party and it was going to be fun and ringing in my 30s with laughter! Not so much. Just me, myself and I. Which is why I don’t let myself get excited about things. The letdown hurts too much.
• Why are gyms so freaking expensive?
• I called a gym not TOO far from my place, that’s new and fancy and it’s $67/month. Which I think is ridiculous. Especially since I’m just going to use it for cardio - mainly swimming. And to pay $67/month to swim is just insane to me.
• My roommate leaves for a week long trip on Friday. Comes back next Friday and leaves on my birthday and then gone for another week. I’m kind of looking forward to it. Not that I don’t like my roommate but it makes you appreciate your alone time more.
• I got an email from my friend Jenn today (Hi Jenn!!!!!) and she made me laugh and smile so much. Sometimes I feel like such a horrible friend when I mean to email her and catch up but then I forget and it’s 3 months later and she emails me. But she just gets me. And I can tell her anything and I never feel judged by her. Not to say she doesn’t tell me when I’m messing up (hello boy situation) but you know those friends where you just feel safe? That’s her.
• Sometimes I just want to move and start over somewhere fresh. Where no one knows me. And cut off all contact with people I currently know. And then I realize that’s stupid and selfish and I already miss my parents. How could I not talk to them or be FARTHER away??

There’s a whole tub of them
I have to walk past them for every interview or every time I have to leave or use the restroom

I have said no thank you each and every time

I’m pretty dang proud of myself

It’s a sad day when an almost 30 year old has their feelings hurt by a 3 year old.

I’ve tried to FaceTime with my niece a lot but whenever I call, no one seems to be there. Until tonight. They were at the Apple store and picked up.

I said Hiiii to my niece. Who then turned to her mom and said, I don’t want to talk to her.

And then hung up.

Ouch.

I mean, it’s slightly humorous. But slightly disappointing. I get that’s she’s only 3. But still. I love her so much, rarely get to see her, won’t get to see her at thanksgiving, and I just want to talk to her. Oh well.

I also signed up for some stuff today.

More on that later.

I also changed my “wahhhh, I want to be lame and skip CrossFit” person who will definitely hold me accountable.

I ordered my birthday cake today. I’m excited about it. Although it’s the first time I’ve had to order my own cake. I talked with my parents today and, while I’m really enjoying my life and Richmond lately, I miss having my parents around. I didn’t see them every weekend when they lived here…sometimes it was barely once a month. But I miss them. I miss having them close. I miss my dad’s hugs and the smell of his cologne and the safety of his hugs. I miss my mom’s TLC and her wacky sense of humor and the love she exudes just being next to her.

All I want for my birthday is to see them. And get great, big, super long hugs.

The WOD

Back Squat
5×5 @ 75-80% of 1RM

Competition and L2:

6 Rounds:
5 Renegade Man Makers (40/20) - scaled to thrusters if you can’t do chest to deck pullups. 45#
10 Toes to Bars

You know what sucks?  Completing a workout and finishing it knowing you could have pushed yourself more.  I definitely should have gone heavier on the thrusters.  65# at a minimum.  I cheated myself and I felt it.  And I hated it.  I never want that feeling again.

Every time I do toes to bars, I jack my shoulder up - and today is no different.  I think know it’s my bodyweight hanging from those bars - my shoulders can only handle so much.

Tomorrow will be better.

I scaled my WOD to
50 wall balls
50 pull ups
50 squats
50 kb snatches

25 minute cut off

The full version is 100 of each.

I made it through 1 full round and then circled back and got 50 wall balls and pullups.

I’m proud of myself.

Then I went to get my nails done. And a small fire may have broken out. NBD

Today was not a great day.

It started off okay, seemed to gain a little mine time and then just nosedived. It started at work when the big boss was in an felt the need to quiz me. And apparently what I had been thinking was wrong. My numbers are wrong. All my recruits are wrong. And I’m still new and so afraid they’re going to fire me. I’m so much harder on myself than others could be.

I really don’t feel like I can really talk to people about this because I was beyond miserable at my last job. And this job is what I’ve dreamed of doing. And I don’t feel like I can talk about bad or rough or hard times now. Like, this job has been my dream, so what right do I have to not be less than thrilled? I didn’t run like my plan was to do. I didn’t go to CrossFit. I just wanted to be alone. Then I watched that show and felt all the feels. And I let myself feel them. And I just laid on my couch crying, near sobbing. Last night I sent out a Facebook invite for my birthday and those I was pretty certain would come, can’t. And it sucks. I’m just waiting for everyone else to back out now too. I just want to cancel the party. Cut off the potential exponential hurt. All I want to do is be alone right now. And it scares me how much I’m craving that. Just a not so very good day. I’m sick of letting people down. I’m sick of letting myself down.

I’m catching up on Extreme Weight Loss and this girls story is so close to mine. And it’s scary. And it’s hopeful.

But the thing I have always known? It’s me. It’s my choices. It’s what I put in my mouth. It’s getting I’d my butt and going to the gym when I don’t feel like it.

It can be done

My 30th is quickly approaching and I really need to decide what I’m doing. I’m getting frustrated to the point that I’m ready to just not do anything.

Two things - I can’t think of a theme I love. There was one, but a friend is doing that for a wedding shower.
Second - location. I live in an apartment on the 3rd floor. Not very conducive to a party - no flow to the outside. A friend did offer her backyard, which was super nice, but it’s going to be late June. And I really don’t want to spend the whole night sweating like a pig outside. There is a pool in my complex but no one needs to see me in my swimsuit and I won’t be comfortable.

So what do I do???

I’m stressing myself out over this so much, I’m ready to just give up. An say to heck with celebrating.

Today’s workout was a little weird…

Snatch High Pull
4×3 (Light)

Clean Pull
4×3 (Light)

It’s weird doing just the high pull and not completing the motion.  Though it made me realize I’m not pushing my hips enough, so I’m not getting the momentum I should and am therefore pulling the bar more than letting it come up with the momentum.

WOD:

21-15-9
Kettlebell Snatches, alternate arms (8kb)
Kneeling Box Jumps (3x45# plates) - 

Time: 11:14

Kneeling box jumps are weird.  And hard.

Today is the Raleigh Half Ironman

I was supposed to complete it today

My friend Jeff is still doing it.

I hate injuries. And I hate being underprepared.

Yes, I can’t do it because my lovely ITB flare ups made it impossible to run more than 4 miles without excruciating pain. I’m sure the pounds I’ve put on and not taken away didn’t help that situation.

I’m sad for myself.

This was a dream I’ve had for awhile. But it’s not happening this year.

I’m not saying its never going to happen. But a LOT of things have to change before it can be a reality. And I have the power to change them or not.

That’s both exciting and sad. Because I have the power to change things but clearly I didn’t.

There are lessons in everything. We have the option to learn from them or not.